Free 3 month subscription to CHOICE!!

So..you know I recently blogged and twittered about the CHOICE Lab tour and live-twittered the CHOICE Shonky awards – a glittering ceremony where awards were given out for shonky products and services. I had great fun twittering the event. Just in case you missed it, here are the winners and my photos taken at the awards are at the end of this post (I was concentrating on twittering, ergo the photos aren’t that great):

• Plugging Stuff and Nonsense goes to Reegen Micro-Plug
• Cheese-Fearing Surrender Monkey goes to Tiffany FP807 Food processor
• Water at What Price?  goes to Chef’s Cupboard and Massel liquid stocks
• Honey (Oat crisp), I shrunk the groceries goes to Uncle Toby Oat Crisp Honey cereal
• Blinding us with dodgy science goes to L’Oréal Elvive
• Profit Protection Insurance goes to the Credit protection insurance industry
• Sky high surcharges goes to Qantas and Tiger Airways
• Teleconfusication goes to Tel.pacific phone cards

Now to the really exciting stuff. CHOICE is GIVING AWAY A 3 MONTH FREE SUBSCRIPTION to CHOICE magazine to a lucky ThinkingShift reader!!! The competition is only open to AUSTRALIAN RESIDENTS. Sad face. I know a lot of my readers are from the US. But to win it, you gotta be an Aussie living in Oz. So what do you have to do I hear you ask?

Check out the link above for the Shonky awards and the winners. The ThinkingShift competition is a slightly different twist – it’s the People’s CHOICE award for the all-time shonkiest product you’ve come across.  Leave a comment and tell me what that product was and why it was shonky, just like the Shonky winners above. I’ll select the winning entry and then contact you for details, so make sure you leave me an email address. CHOICE will then grab your details and send out your FREE 3-month membership. I’ll base my selection on what sounds like the most dodgiest, shonkiest, amazingly “What the?” product or service I’ve heard about in a long time.

So you gotta be in it to win it as they say. Competition open until Tuesday November 24th 6.00pm. Happy face!

Open wallets

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. The highlight was being invited to blog and Twitter about the Choice Shonky awards. I’ve become a real fan of Twitter actually – despite earlier doubts. I much prefer it to Facebook, which I don’t use really (am I the only person on the planet who doesn’t use FB??). I prefer the live conversation going on in the Twittersphere and the connections you can make. If you missed my blog post about the Choice lab tour and the Twitter stream, go here and here.

And speaking of the connections one can make on Twitter, I’ve connected with some really interesting people. I’ve even connected with a KM colleague in Melbourne, who I’ve never met and just put him in touch with a company in Melbourne who contacted me about some consulting work in KM. And one of my Twitter connections is Dr Stephen Saunders who is @shoppologist

Regular readers know I don’t pimp products on this blog but I will mention stuff I think is useful or would like you to know about (and no, I don’t get paid). So to today’s post. Stephen is an expert in consumer behaviour and has over 25 years’ experience with retail and marketing organisations.  Pause: I had to chuckle a bit – thinking of how Stephen would scratch his head in puzzlement if he ever followed me on one of my shopping “kamikaze raids”. Would his years of experience equip him to cope with me, in full flight, at the lip gloss counter??!!

I digress. Stephen has put his expertise to great use and produced a book that is a gem for both retailers and consumers. It’s amazing to what extent psychology is used to attract shoppers and try to keep them in the store. I love looking at retail shop windows – particularly quirky or brightly coloured displays. One of my favs is L’Occitane, who have the kind of shop display that just tempts you to wander in. You expect to smell the lavender of Provence as you enter the shop.

Another shop window you might find me in front of (I try not to go in though) is Darrel Lea, which is an Australian family-owned confectionery company in business since 1927. They have consistently colourful and intriguing window and in-store displays like this:

But there are things that will propel me out of a shop fast:

• cheap, tacky, nasty looking displays with confusing signs screaming 50% off here, 30% off there. Like this:

• shops that look cluttered or the entrance is festooned with bins of 50% items, like this:

• harsh lighting that makes you wish you’d brought your sunglasses along, like this:

• dead boring shop front windows that scream beige-ness, like this:

So what does Stephen have to say in his fab e-book? Well, can’t give too much away – you can buy it here. But some tidbits for you:

• “Shoppers like to belong to groups called shopping ‘tribes’ – any good tribe has a badge or insignia. This is also why a good shopping bag is important”. (Mmmmm…never thought of it this way. Must admit I like my Body Shop and L’Occitane bags, which identifies me as belonging to the environmentally sensitive shopping tribe I guess);
• don’t put stock outside the store – destroys sight lines, adds clutter, conveys ‘discount’ image”. (Totally agree: I hate those discount shopping bins outside a shop. I always feel like I’m rummaging through reject stuff, stuff other people have not wished to purchase. It’s like you’re getting palmed off with second best-crap);
• “Shoppers want to identify with their stores, they want to know what a store stands for. Especially important for browsers.” (Yep: personally I think this is something a lot of retailers just don’t get. This is why I like, for example, L’Occitane. The “story” is obvious and told via the window and shop displays – authentic and natural products);
• “There should be some ‘mystery’ about the layout – areas that look interesting from the front of the store”;
• “Don’t let your merchandising disrupt navigation sight lines”.

There’s a heap of practical advice and tons of photos to illustrate Stephen’s points.  I learnt some valuable lessons about the psychology used to tempt shoppers. Check out the e-book and also Stephen’s blog, which I particularly like because he always seems to be cruising around shops taking photos (great job!). I have shamelessly ganked photos from his blog for this post.

Meanwhile, Stephen here’s a story for you. The other day, I was at Priceline in Toronto NSW. I know Priceline well in Sydney and quite like that shop as there is plenty of room to browse and you don’t get swooped on by the dolly birds asking “can I help you or are you just happy browsing?” (really hate this: if I need help I’ll ask thanks). So I walk into this Priceline and at the very door to the shop the dolly bird asks the question. I flee to an aisle and settle in for some lipgloss browsing, only to be aware of the dolly bird lurking pretty close behind me.  She asked (again) THE question to which I replied “look, I’m just browsing thx”. She keeps lurking in the aisle, not far away. My patience melted and I asked her why she was standing there. Her response was “I have to stay in this aisle”. Okay, maybe this is because (a) the retailer is worried about shoplifting; or (b) this is standard practice. Whichever, it’s ANNOYING to have someone so blatantly lurking nearby.

So if it’s not in your e-book Stephen, please add “Note to retailers: do not ruffle the feathers of your customers by irritating them with obvious security measures. This signals lack of trust to your customer”.

Needless to say, I gave up browsing and left Priceline in a hissy fit sans lipgloss.

It’s still a snail

Perhaps I should wait a little longer. Perhaps I should wait to see if the wheels come off next week when the school holidays are over. But I’ve had enough already, so time for this blog post.

Regular ThinkingShift readers would know I travel about 4 hours per day (round trip) to work, on a train that is called the Newcastle Flyer, which travels from Newcastle (north of Sydney) to Sydney Central station – a distance of around 170km (105 miles). I’ve travelled on this train daily for 8 years now and I’ve not known it to “fly” anywhere – commuters refer to it as the Newcastle Snail. I hasten to add I live in Australia – a developed country that should be able to transport people around in trains that are sleek, fast and modern. No wait: that’s Portugal. Last year, I travelled from Lisbon to Porto by train, which takes around 3 hours and covers roughly 300km (200 miles).  Porto is in the north of Portugal – an agricultural region – and many of us would think that Portugal is not as developed as Australia. But this rapid Portuguese train had the following:

• decent, comfortable, adjustable seats. Passengers can sit two together, with another two passengers facing opposite you. In between, is a table to put your laptop on or whatever;
• catering staff who would go up and down the aisles of the train selling coffee, snacks and…if you were really hungry, you could order from a menu and food would be delivered to your seat. My husband had baked fish followed by a chocolate dessert of some sort;
• clean, roomy toilets with hand-washing gel;
• a carriage at the front of the train with a mini-cafe. If you wanted to stretch your legs, you could walk there and get a coffee and snack;
• a computerised screen telling you how fast the train was going and how long until the next stop (from memory, there were four stops);
• a TV screen in each carriage;
• a ton of room to stow your luggage. The luggage area was a special section at the front of each carriage;
• a neat, tidy train -  no graffiti; no nasty smells;
• a constant, fast speed – no slowing down for “all stations ahead” trains;
• it’s a “tilting” train so it bends into curves, making for a non-jarring ride.

Here’s a photo of this train, known as the Alfa Pendular High Speed train:

Now, in comparison, this is what passengers on the Newcastle Flyer get (and remember the journey is comparable: Newcastle to Sydney is nearly 3 hours – my train departs Newcastle at 6.12 am and gets into Sydney Central station at 8.48am if you’re lucky) – granted the distance travelled is less than the Lisbon-Porto train:

• no catering; no part of any carriage where passengers can buy a coffee or snack – basically, you bring your own;
• carriages and seats that have seen better days;
• no special area for luggage – unless you count the small overhead shelves in one part of the carriage and you wouldn’t be able to heft a heavy suitcase up there and it probably wouldn’t fit anyway (I know, I’ve tried on many occasions);
• teeny weensy toilets – frankly, you would rather hold on than go in there. They stink. The last time I entered one, the floor had urine on it, there was no toilet paper and you’d search in vain for any hand-washing gel. I turned right around and hung on;
• no computerised screen to tell passengers how fast the train is going or what the next stop is. If you’re unfamiliar with the train stops, you have to rely on some disembodied voice announcing stops (and half the time you either can’t understand what the train guard is saying, the volume is too low so you can’t hear or the microphone is crackling);
• no tables for passengers;
• a train that goes reasonably fast from say Morisset to Gosford but then winds its way slooooowly between Gosford and Hornsby (and if the Flyer is late for some reason and you’re stuck behind an all-stations train, then it’s reeeeeeally slow). True that sections of the track are winding.
• a train that has graffiti – I was in a carriage only recently that was festooned with graffiti on the outside;
• no TV screens.

Here’s a picture of the train I catch:

Mmmmmm….must have been taken by a good photographer because a train I caught last week didn’t look half that good. I think these trains are known as Goninan sets and were constructed around 1985 (hello? that is over 20 years ago CityRail). And for the privilege of catching this train, I pay AU$66.00 for a weekly ticket. True, the Portuguese train cost me about US$93.00 but I don’t mind paying more for quality, service and comfort.

Now, I could probably put up with some of this (as I have done for 8 years) but on October 11, 2009, CityRail decided to change its timetable and has boasted about how the new timetable will provide additional peak services and additional carriages to increase capacity. Clearly, they forgot to include the Newcastle & Central Coast line when they were working out the additional peak services.

Why do I say this?  My train, the so-called Express Flyer, now leaves 8 minutes earlier in the morning and has an extra three stops: Wyong, Tuggerah and Epping. Yes, folks: AN EXTRA THREE STOPS. The train now arrives at 8.48am instead of 8.53am, so CityRail would argue that we get into Sydney earlier. But an extra three stops means that CityRail has actually added about 10 mins to my daily journey for a round trip and it certainly feels like a longer journey. And why the hell are we stopping for people from Epping? They can catch a Hornsby to Central train that goes through Epping surely?

On Thursday October 15, the Flyer’s second carriage was locked for some reason so passengers couldn’t sit in it. This resulted in a train that was chockers, packed. Why on earth CityRail would allow this train to leave Newcastle is beyond me – do they not think that workers travel to Sydney from Newcastle?  Do they not know that if a whole carriage is out of commission it will result in congestion?

CityRail has added additional services to the Western, South, Northern and lower North Shore lines and is very clearly trying to integrate the new Epping to Chatswood rail link. But what about Newcastle/Central Coast passengers? Do we get an extra early morning peak commuter train?? Nooooooooooooo…we get THREE ADDITIONAL STOPS.

Dudes: why can’t you get this right? There are MANY people who travel to work everyday from as far afield as Newcastle and Morisset. Yes, there are people who also travel from Wyong and Tuggerah. But surely you could have given us an additional fast-speed train, so that people getting on at say Morisset don’t have to endure three extra stops.

Supposedly, I live in a developed country and in a State that should be able to boast a modern, sleek rail network. But I’m sorry CityRail, all you’re providing me with are old, rattling, slow trains and making my rail experience less than pleasant.  CityRail has a customer charter – let me remind them of it:

On time trains
Manage overcrowding
Fast, accurate useful information
Secure and safe travel
Clean trains and stations
Fast ticket sales
Quick and fair complaints handling

CityRail spends most of its time boasting about “on time trains” – on time running is at 95.4% for this financial year.  This is just propaganda as far as I’m concerned. There is FAR MORE to running a rail network than punctuality.  I don’t care about “fast, accurate, useful information” or “quick and fair complaints handling” (because I can complain here, on my own blog or on Twitter, which will be my next step). I care about getting a train that is fast, sleek, modern and focuses on accommodating the needs of Newcastle/Central Coast passengers. I don’t want the embarrassment of travelling in a train that a Thai visitor recently asked of me (as the train came into the station) – “where is the train for passengers?” (because she thought the train arriving was for animals).

It seems I’m not the only one whingeing. See here and here for reactions to CityRail’s new timetable.

UPDATE: there’s a whole lot of people moaning about CityRail on Twitter. I like the name of the group – CityFail. I’ll be joining them.

Dear New Yorkers

Dear New York readers. Are you worried about climate change? Wondering if your wonderfully cosmopolitan city will shimmer in the landscape as hotter weather breathes down on it? You’d better be – basically you’ll be toast. Just in case you missed it, your Mayor Bloomberg (sounds like a smart dude) commissioned a report entitled Climate Risk Information: New York City Panel on Climate Change. You can download it here (scroll down). I’ve been researching into climate change, particularly in cities and so I came across it.

I’ll save you the trouble of reading all 74 pages and give you the bad news:

• NYC has a 570-mile coastline and 8.5 million people live only about 10 feet above sea level.
• NYC average temperature will rise 1.5-3 °F by the 2020s; 3- 5 °F by the 2050s; and 4- 7.5 °F by the 2080s.  Heat waves will become frequent, more devastating and last longer – cities retain heat, much more so than surrounding areas.
• you will get milder temperatures and less snowfall but….a third of the days during summer will above 90 degrees.
• rising sea levels will happen (>95% probability of occurrence). Maybe not enough to send your Statue of Liberty underwater but you’ll see 2-5 inches by the 2020s; 7-12 inches by the 2050s; and 12-23 inches by the 2080s.  If you include ice-melt, then the sea level could rise by approximately 41-55 inches by the 2080s. Check your home insurance policy now to see if you’re covered for water damage! But rising sea levels will lead to coastal flooding; increased street, basement & sewer flooding; structural damage; issues with water quality; and encroachment of saltwater on freshwater sources and ecosystems. The report mentioned an increase of salt front up the Hudson and Delaware Rivers, leading to reduced supply of drinking water – that would freak me out. Mind you, a wall of water flooding Wall St and getting rid of greedy banking dudes is not a bad idea.
• a sea level rise of only only a foot and a half  — a realistic prediction for 2050 — would see a storm as severe as Katrina requiring New York City to evacuate as many as 3 million people – can you imagine the chaos.
• droughts will become more severe, especially towards end of 21st Century.
• the strain on the power grid during the summer months of heat will cause it to, well…possibly fall over.

The report’s conclusion is stark – if humans continue on their wayward path of greenhouse gas emissions and if the polar ice is indeed melting faster than predicted causing a sea level rise of six inches or more – most of NYC will be under water. And I sense that the report is saying that NYC needs to prepare for the inevitable changes that climate change will bring – it’s about adaptation and mitigation. The 1995 Chicago heat wave knocked off around 600 people in five days so the health and human life implications of having a third of summer days above 90 degrees is staggering.

But what can be done to prepare? I checked out some engineering reports and blogs to find out.

• don’t build on the waterfront
• ensure high rise apartment buildings can withstand fierce storms
• a lot of infrastructure will need to be elevated – so for example, a new waterfront power generating station on the East River has been built to withstand a 4-foot sea level rise
• solid barriers across the entrance to New York harbour might need to be built. They can be opened for shipping traffic and closed during vicious storms.
• introduce congestion tax (like London) to reduce the flow of traffic within the city itself.
• plant a whole heap of trees to help absorb carbon dioxide.

I found a great site – Climate Change Information Resources – which outlines what is being done in the New York metropolitan region to adapt and mitigate. For those of us not in New York, there’s a site I came across called City Based Climate Action Plans, which offers plans from North and South American, Asian, European and African cities. Mmmmm…..I can see Melbourne’s plan but where is Sydney?

Well, New Yorkers, you are not alone. Sydney of course might just be the world’s major climate change catastrophe about to happen. The canary in the coal mine. A CSIRO scientist is saying you don’t want to be living here in 2060 because basically Sydney will be toxic and suffering from dust storms. Hang on!! Sydney was hit with an unprecedented, apocalyptic-looking dust storm just this week. International readers, here’s what Sydney looked like on Wednesday September 23, 2009, covered by a blanket of eerie orange red dust:

Another (smaller one) hit us on Saturday September 26. Is it related to climate change? One source is saying yep, possibly. Mmmmm…another reason for leaving Australia.

Image credit: New York Post and National Post.

Half-baked cat fight

Dear reader..imagine my shock, horror, FEEEEAAAR even when confronted with……

Well, let me take a step back. I had to shoot across the Tasman for a few days last week to visit my (literally) last remaining relative on the planet. My elderly uncle, who is in his 80s. Now, I realise this makes me seem incredibly ancient if you think about it – my last remaining next-of-kin who is in his 80s. But….I was born to an older mother and father and my nearest cousin is 18 years older than me. This might help you to visualise me as less than 80 years old (I hope).

I digress. So…I had to apply for a new NZ passport as the old one was just about to expire. Prior to 2005, the writing on the front of the passport (which I think was in silver) would completely rub off. When I handed in my old passport, the consulate people here in Sydney laughed because literally nothing was left on that passport cover to say what country I belonged to. But now I’m the owner of a very shiny new passport with gold writing on the cover. I was NOT happy to see that it is an E-passport with the dreaded micro chip. I searched for secretive ways to get rid of the chip but to no avail.

Regular ThinkingShift readers will know that I am often hauled aside at immigration for bomb-testing. So I was poised, ready, waiting. But this time, something more exciting happened to me. I was going through passport control, outward bound to NZ, when…my shiny new passport was confiscated and I was hauled off for questioning. No explanation. Just “come over here please and wait here”.

Had my many posts about biometrics and surveillance finally caught up with me I wondered? (I recently declined an invite to China because I thought my posts on China might get me hauled off). I sat like a young school kid outside the mirror-walled office, just behind passport control.  I had visions of ASIO types behind that mirrored window sussing me out – did I look nervous, suspicious?

After about 5 mins, a dude walked out and handed me my passport and said “have a nice flight”. What??? No grilling? No good cop/bad cop routine? I was disappointed. I asked what’s up? All he’d say was “your passport caused a red flag to go up on our system, but it’s fine now”.

What the? What does this mean? I scurried through the dreaded x-ray stuff and off I flew to NZ.  I returned a few days later….oblivious to changes at Sydney airport.

Whilst waiting in the passport control queue, a female official came up to me and said I could use the SmartGate line and sail through. Smart idea I thought; beat the queue. Dumb ass move on my part because… you scan your E-passport in a machine and then….you go off to…..the facial recognition technology area…and have your face scanned by these dreaded looking machines. I practically hyper-ventilated.

Despite the early hour of the morning and my foggy brain, I scanned for legal signs to tell me my rights. Typical. No signs. In the absence of these, I said to the grim looking woman “I decline to undergo facial recognition. Where are the signs to tell me what I can or can’t do?”.

I thought she was about to drop dead – either from laughter or shock at my hissy fit. After all, a few sheep incoming passengers were lining up for the facial business, so what’s my problem?  She barked: “well then join that long queue over there and wait your turn”.

Fine with me. Off I trotted. The irony is that I beat the facial recognition suckers to the passport control desk (seems the technology was still asleep in the early hours of the morning). And then my half-baked cat fight went something like this:

Passport control dude (with no smile): “You have an NZ E-passport. Why didn’t you go through the SmartGate?” (I’m thinking: unfortunately, Smart Gate is nowhere near as kick-ass exciting as Star Gate, otherwise I would have gone through it!).

Me: “I didn’t see any sign that said it was compulsory, so I prefer to join this queue”.

Dude: “Well, you have an E-passport”.

Me: silence (declining to state the obvious – duh!)

Dude: “Are you declining facial recognition?”.

Me: “Yes. Seems that it’s not compulsory, so until it is, I don’t wish to have it”.

Dude (with a slight smirk) “Do you have something to hide?” (and proceeds to look more closely at my passport).

Me: “Not at all. I just don’t like the intrusiveness of it and I don’t think the technology is foolproof enough yet” (dumb ass move on my part as I got a mini-lecture on the wonders and accuracy of facial recognition software).

Me: “Well, if it’s not compulsory, then I’d rather not have it. Seems you are using the SmartGate “beat the immigration queue” concept as a way to trap people into having facial recognition. Where are the signs and announcement about what is scanned; why it is scanned; and in what databases the scans are held; and who has access to them?”.

Dude: glare….raised eyebrows….narrowing of eyes.

Me:  return glare but realising I might now get myself hauled off.

Dude: “have a nice day” and hands over my passport.

Me: “you too”, grabbing passport and scurrying off faster than a cheetah running over the African landscape, chasing prey.

Soooooo….I have obviously missed any news about facial recognition technology being introduced to Sydney airport! I do remember something about facial recognition trials some years back but I thought that had bitten the dust. I decided to do a spot of research and found an announcement about SmartGate in a dreary Ministerial press release in July 2009. It’s being rather cleverly described as a “self-processing option for travellers” and a “long-term business solution” (what the?).

It says that SmartGate is proving popular. Yes…well…there were hundreds of people in the loooooooong queues for passport control and about 10 at the SmartGate. Not sure that’s too popular. The couple ahead of me (in their 20s) were clutching NZ E-passports. They were glancing at SmartGate. They turned to me and asked what it was.

Me: “That’s SmartGate. You put the photo page of your E-passport in that machine over there. Then you go get facial recognition”.

Young dude: “What? They scan your face? No way in hell”.

Young girl: “You gotta be kidding. I’m not having that”.

Ah, so Gen Y clearly are very astute and they renewed my belief that not all of us are sheep about to meekly walk into surveillance hell. But I’m wondering when SmartGate will become CompulsoryGate.

Pass the torturing instruments

The Australian Red Cross is disturbed. I’m disturbed. Humanitarian lawyers are shaking their heads. 1030 Australians were polled by the Australian Red Cross during June this year and asked questions about their attitudes towards war. And it seems that torture is okay with us Aussies.

What the? Do the Geneva Conventions mean nothing anymore? Whilst 88% of Australians polled have heard of the Conventions (there’s a good start), half believe they make no difference to the conduct of war. So you just ignore the fact that these Conventions set standards for the humanitarian treatment of the victims of war??? We forget the fact that there are basic human rights for those captured during armed conflict??

Yes, well..apparently. Because 40% of Aussies polled in the People on War survey thought captured soldiers sometimes deserved to die. And 43% say it is okay to torture captured enemy soldiers in certain cases and grill them to extract military information. So 57% say it’s not okay, but 43% is a significant majority of Aussies who are saying yep, get the torture instruments ready.

35% need to brush up on the law because they think it is legal to torture a prisoner of war in order to obtain important military information. And those who have served in the military were more likely to lean towards saying torture is legal. This is the part of the polling I find deeply disturbing.

In an understatement,  the strategic adviser on international law for the Australian Red Cross, said the poll results were ”disconcerting” and that the Red Cross has a lot of work to do.  The good news is that Australians think civilians should be treated humanely during armed conflict.

Clearly, since 9/11 and the War on Terror, the security of the state has become paramount and this means that people’s attitudes have shifted – away from humanitarian considerations and towards “whatever it takes”. The “enemy” has been dehumanised. Bush and Howard have done a good job.

Torture is illegal under the Geneva Conventions. Period. Full stop. And if Aussies think it’s okay, well then, we’re as bad as the enemy.  I’m sure if Aussie troops ever have the misfortune to be tortured, Australians would be jumping up and down in anger. But if you condone this type of conduct during war, then don’t bleat if it’s revisited on you is all I can say.

Coming to Australia?

I have a large number of American readers and maybe some of you are thinking about visiting the land Down Under. So I thought I would offer you some travel and cultural tips. Firstly, you will need this map of Australia:

I’d advise you to stay well clear of the areas in Australia marked Giant Spiders and Man Eating Koalas. It might also be worth your while to avoid the area of Sharks with Frickin’ Lasers, unless you want to be a shark’s dinner.

Next, I think you should prepare yourself for the gourmet delicacy known as Vegemite, which was created in 1923 by Dr Cyril P Callister of the Fred Walker Cheese Company. It’s made from brewer’s yeast and you’d better start off slowly, spread it thinly on toast. Many people fear or dislike Vegemite. One of my step-kids, when he was very young, muttered ” quell horror!” when he first opened the black, yellow and red jar and took a sniff (well, he is after all French). Open the jar slowly as the fumes from the vegemite could knock you over, that’s true. Once you have it in your mouth, be very, very careful not to spit it out in sight of any Australians. Remember that Vegemite is a national icon and you will be surrounded by angry bogans should you look as though you don’t like the black paste.

Which leads to my next piece of advice. Learn how to spot bogans. Here are some photos to help you identify a bogan. Cut them out and bring them with you to the land of Oz.

To give you some further guidance: a bogan (rhymes with slogan)  is usually identified by the flanno (shirts made from flannelette) usually worn with stubbies (shorts) and a singlet; the mullet hair-style; trucker caps; ugg boots or thongs.  Usually a bogan goes by the name of Shazza, Bazza, Dazza and possibly Charlene. A bogan would also suggest to you that the song Khe Sanh by Cold Chisel is the best song ever written and may have named their kid Barnsey.  Try to think of a bogan as a redneck and you get the idea.

Now using the map above, should you venture into the Man Eating Koala area remember that these creatures are the silent menace of our continent. Your President Bush was looking in the wrong area of the world for weapons of mass destruction because we have them:

Just look at those claws! They may look like harmless, fluffy, cuddly teddy bears but beware the razor sharp teeth – DO NOT say “oh, how cute” and stick your finger in a koala’s mouth.

And if you spot a koala in this position:

just know that this is the most dangerous of all positions. That fluffy bear looks like it’s sleeping but note the weapons of mass destruction – poised and ready for the attack!

Also bear in mind that whilst we speak English here, we don’t speak American, we speak Strine. You might wish to memorise the most popular Strine words as shown below.

Should you not understand what we’re saying or get attacked my man eating koalas, then we have a selection of good looking Aussie blokes who will come to your rescue. Here’s two of them:

This is Curtis Stone, an Aussie chef, so he might be too busy sautéing or flambeing, but it’s worth a shot giving him a rescue call.

You should know who this is – Aussie hunk, Hugh Jackman, whose Wolverine claws I think would give a koala’s weapons of mass destruction a run for their money. Mind you, I think of our Hugh as a weapon of mass seduction but that’s another post.

If all else fails, then give me a call and I’ll help you out. Welcome to Australia!

Sources: map Neuroanthrology; bogans; Strine; Koala claws photo

Revenge is not sweet

In a recent post, I said that I thought China would retaliate somewhere, somehow for the collapse of the Chinalco deal with Rio Tinto. To refresh our memories, Chinese companies are snapping up mining and energy assets around the world, including copper mines and were salivating at the thought of investing in Rio Tinto who own 30% of the Escondida copper mine in Chile. But Rio Tinto ditched its proposed deal with Chinalco and eloped with BHP Billiton. The Chinese weren’t happy and let’s not kid ourselves: Chinalco is a state-owned company, which would have meant China extending a political influence over Australia. An indication of just how pissed off they were over Rio Tinto’s snub was glaringly obvious when China’s official Xinhua news agency accused Rio of “perfidy” for scrapping the deal.

And let’s face another fact (one which I mentioned in this post) – that if Australia is being buffeted less than many Western democracies during the GFC, it’s largely thanks to our biggest expert customer, China. Prior to March 2009, we were pocketing AU $2 billion to $3 billion per month from our exports to China but in March our earnings jumped to a record $4.3 billion. Economist, Tim Harcourt, refers to this as “bamboo shoots” -  meaning that our increasing exports to China has saved Australia from a technical recession.

But back to retaliation. This week, we heard that an Australian citizen, Stern Hu, who is a highly respected businessman was nabbed by Chinese secret police on July 5 whilst he was in China engaged in sensitive iron ore price negotiations. And for which company do you think Mr Hu works for?  None other than Rio Tinto, where he is the head of Rio’s iron ore operations. The Chinese are busy accusing him of stealing their State secrets and bribing Chinese steelmakers to obtain summaries of meetings by Chinese negotiators. From what I’ve read, there are a number of issues at play:

• Rio Tinto is engaging in intensive talks with the Chinese over lucrative iron ore contracts (iron ore of course is used to make steel and China is the world’s biggest steel producer. The Chinese have not been happy with repeated price hikes for iron ore)
• Rio refused to kowtow to Chinese demands for a 40% haircut in price
• Not only were the Chinese red-faced over Chinalco’s failed massive $19.5bn investment bid in Rio, they weren’t particularly pleased with the Defence White Paper that suggested Australia’s future defence plans need to take into account an increasingly aggressive China; and the Chinese government regime has been protesting against the Parliamentary delegation visiting India and its meeting with the Dalai Lama. And of course, they were insulted when our PM, Kevin Rudd, raised human rights issues in Tibet.
• Then Mr Hu is nabbed. Join all the dots – an interesting sequence of events don’t you think?
• Mr Hu is being held without charge and our Foreign Minister, Stephen Smith, is reduced to finding out about Mr Hu’s welfare from Chinese websites because Australian Government and consular officials had so far been unable to talk with or see Mr Hu (I believe they’ve now seen him)
• Apparently, Mr Hu was worried telephones were being bugged so there is a suggestion that China is using its spy agencies to interfere with what should be commercial negotiations
• China claims it has evidence against Mr Hu but Australia remains in the dark. And this is shaping up to be a big cat fight that will surely test our Mandarin-speaking PM. I’m sure most Australians thought that Kevin Rudd, who served in the Australian Embassy in Beijing, would have few problems dealing with the Chinese.

China is giving Australia the finger. You can sniff the air of contempt. The fury of a China scorned signals something I think we need to think deeply about. Our relationship with China has taken leaps and bounds economically speaking but our cultural and legal relationship is lagging behind. Stephen Smith says:

“China has its own laws about state secrets. They are clearly broader than the view that Australia might take. Frankly, it’s difficult for a nation like Australia to see a relationship between espionage or national security and what appear to be suggestions about commercial or economic negotiations.“

But China’s legal view of what it regards as “State secrets” could very well lead to the death penalty for Mr Hu under Chinese law. An Australian expert in international law warns: “China has some of the most extensive death penalty provisions in the world, including for white-collar crime, security breaches and espionage..We certainly cannot rule out the death penalty in this case, or a lengthy jail term.”

This is a Chinese temper tantrum that very clearly sweeps away any pretense that China is a free-market economy. It shows us that the lines are blurred between the Chinese regime and business – China Inc is very real and the Chinese regime interferes with strategic business decisions. There is no separation of the State from the business world. Their standards of business practice and ours are not the same. I think this is a very serious miscalculation on Beijing’s part and will damage China’s global interests as it seeks to sink its surplus cash into resources and foreign companies rather than depreciating US government paper. And if our PM can’t secure Mr Hu’s release, then China’s message to Australia is clear – piss off, you have no influence with us, all we want is your country’s resources and mines.

Luxury recession for Australia?

Nearing the end of a very busy week. Hoping for time to devote to long, ranting posts soon! But I was having some down-time last night, watching TV and up popped this ad that intrigued me. A kitchenware store in Sydney was having a “sizzling sale” – prices slashed.  What caught my eye was how much slashing was going on – a set of four Scanpans (which is a pretty expensive brand here in Oz), which were AU $1395, were now at the bargain basement price of $395.

Now, of course this makes you realise just how much of a mark-up these stores whack onto an item but it also got me thinking – with so many “sizzling Recession sales” going on, will we tolerate price hikes when the Recession lifts? We are now used to low interest rates, 50% off sales or two for the price of one deals. People are looking at buying a house but are hoping for a fire-sale because the owners might be having trouble paying the mortgage.

Australia appears to be living up to its reputation as the “lucky country”. Our economy expanded in the March quarter by 0.4 of one per cent and Aussie shoppers have declared the Recession is kaput, over. I’m not so sure about this. The March growth quarter busts the two straight quarters of a shrinking economy, which is the textbook definition of a recession. But our unemployment rate is rising (and this is surely how Australians will judge whether we’re in a Recession or not – it is projected to rise to 8.5% in 2010/11) and our imports collapsed by $5.3 billion (which points to a continuing decline in business investment). But our exports were up thanks to resource-hungry China.

Australians have always had the “she’ll be right, mate” attitude without worrying about the future. So I wondered what Australians are actually spending on because I’ve pulled my horns in and am certainly not spending as much as I used to (we even gave Foxtel the flick – cable TV).

I browsed some ads, had a look at some retail websites and took a spin around the shops. And what stood out for me is that advertisers and shops here aren’t really acknowledging the Recession – it’s business as usual. The only one doing that is Kia with its ad campaign that if you lose your job within one year of buying a car, Kia will cover car repayments. I read somewhere that advertisers in the UK and US are acknowledging the times with “Recession busting” clearances and ads that hark back to better days and provoke nostalgia.

We seem to be better off than this time last year due to lower home loan interest rates (average saving of $800 per month), lower petrol prices and all the sales.

So we’re spending on:

• houses: 30% of housing sales come from first-home buyers thanks to the Government’s increased first-home owner grant;
• alcohol - can you imagine Aussies giving up the plonk?
• there appears to be 7 trends in our food buying habits - More bulk buying and bulk cooking; buying home brands over name brands; cutting back on meat or buying lesser cuts of meat; using vegetables as a money saving substitute to meat; planning purchases to avoid impulse buys; greater price awareness and price comparison; eating less takeaway. I confess to doing most of these 7 cost-saving strategies and I don’t think it’s a bad thing if we are all cutting back.

We’re not spending on:

• luxury designer items - seems that the Castlereagh Street strip of designer brands in Sydney is taking a battering with some shops saying they have not served a local customer in six months;
• many of my friends are not renewing their gym membership or taking out travel insurance;
• Australian-made goods - only 28% of customers surveyed thought buying Australian was necessary and felt that talk of a Recession led them to be more cost conscious. Sadly, imported goods are often cheaper than domestic.

Meanwhile the rest of the world (who Australians are told are far worse off than the lucky country) are spending on items to help them escape the Recession blues:

• condoms: well, if we’re staying home more, eating family meals and watching TV or DVDs, there’s more time for stress-relieving activities!
• seeds: there’s a shift to growing food so the purchase of seeds is on the rise (just make sure they’re not transgenic seeds);
• McDonalds: it’s cheap food so cash-strapped people are buying it;
• pets and pet services: pets are great recession busters when it comes to lifting your mood and the pet industry is expected to gross US $51.6 billion in 2009;
• junk food: again, it’s cheap so sales in doughnuts, chips and other junk food is up, with Krispy Kreme reporting a 56% rise in stock prices. I can’t begin to imagine the long term health costs that will arise out of eating more junk food.
• iPhones and Blackberries
• Romance novels: revenues for Harlequin books were up 13.5% in the first quarter of 2009.
• Silly movies: another stress-relieving activity.
• Yoga: there’s a huge growth in discounted or “pay what you can” yoga classes;
• Lotteries: I had great plans for the AU $106 million I was going to win in Oz Lotto. Sadly, I didn’t win, so I’ll have to shelve my plans to buy a luxury pad in New York.

And worldwide it seems that we are snubbing everyday “premium” products like Starbucks coffee (never drunk it anyway, sorry Americans, you can’t make good coffee); gourmet ice-cream brands; and luxury take-home meals like you can buy at Marks and Spencer in the UK. Instead, we are buying generic, no name brands and buying only basic items.

There’s the predicted rise of a new class of shopper – “value seekers” or “savvy shoppers” – who will not be afraid to boast about the lengths they go to in finding items that offer better value than higher priced ones. Following my recent visit to St Vinnie’s, I have decided to join the ranks!

Splashing the cash

Regular ThinkingShift readers would know I think the future will be dark for many reasons. And I’m getting pretty worried about Australia- not only how we’ll navigate through the GFC but also how we’ll come out of it at the other end (who knows when that will be). I’m no pointy-headed Economics expert but I’ve been reading heaps on the global financial hissy fit and I’m starting to wonder about a few things.

So the Australian Federal Government is throwing squillions of dollars at stimulus packages, hoping to tempt consumers to spend up and give the retail industry a boost; increased infrastructure spending is proposed and AU$900.00 bonuses for qualified people have been handed out in an attempt to avoid a long, slow, painful recession (well, heck, let’s just admit it – AUSTRALIA IS IN RECESSION). Where is this money coming from and for how long can the Rudd Government keep throwing money at failing industries and households (who most likely squirrel any bonus payments into their bank accounts rather than shopping until they are dropping). As I understand it, to finance Government spending on infrastructure, bailouts and stimulus packages, it has three ways to get its hands on money:

• selling Australian Government bonds. These are attractive to buyers because when they mature, the principal sum is guaranteed by the Commonwealth Government;
• borrowing overseas capital from say the IMF or Asian Development Bank; and
• importing capital from a foreign country

But the global financial hissy fit is shrinking capital flow leading to a global solvency problem. Banks are reluctant to lend money as they stagger under the weight of financial losses on real estate. I read somewhere that the amount of money banks have in reserve that is non-borrowed funds is at a 50-year low.

Won’t this mean two things for Australia -  humongous national debt and a capital flow crisis because we won’t be able to find overseas capital? I heard on a TV program that our national debt will mean that every Australian will “owe” $10,000 each. Our Finance Minister, Lindsay Tanner, said the other day that the government’s deficits would exceed a total of $100 billion over the next three years. Crikey!  And how will the country get out of debt? Well, surely that means raising of taxes and interest rates or less government spending or both. Rudd has hinted that the rich might get slugged with a higher tax rate (following the UK’s lead). And if taxes go higher and the banks raise interest rates, then this means the bonus payments to Australians who qualified will eventually get paid back to the Government! So I’m getting concerned about what is quite clearly a debt binge that’s going on and I wonder if our Government shouldn’t be thinking of something else.

Rather than throwing $42 billion at stimulus packages that may or may not work, my view is that when a nation is in deep crisis, a responsible Government should do two things:

(1) baton down the hatches and prepare for a rough ride. After all, the IMF has just released its World Economic Outlook (grim reading) and expects the Australian economy to contract by 1.4%  in 2009 and unemployment to rise to 7.8% by 2010. So it’s no good doing the PR spin and talking about how Australia will be largely shielded from the global financial hissy fit because we’ve always been the “lucky country”.  The fact is we’re in the pickle with the rest of the world, so let’s admit it and get on with it. And getting on with it in my view means that the Government should be providing for its citizens to weather the storm – forget job creation, this is about survival and means providing housing, shelter, health care and transport, income support for those most severely affected. Then…..

(2) think about how to position Australia so that when the hissy fit is over, this country and Australians are ready and able to bolt out the gates and not be held back by a sluggish recovery. I think this means the Government taking over a lot of things – the banking system, infrastructure such as communications and rail transport that have been privatised. I have never been convinced that privatization of public utilities has increased competition (the raison d’être for privatization) and I think it is against the public interest. It is no longer about “serving the public” when something is privatized it’s about “getting profits and paying humongous salaries to CEOs” (and you finance the CEO salaries by raising prices).

So I think the Government needs to consider the following:

• the first home owner’s grant of $14,000 – I get that the Government is trying to encourage young people to buy their own home. But how about tying this grant to the condition of ensuring that the home is sustainable. Not the McMansion that takes up a whole block of land but a home that has energy efficient insulation, energy efficient lighting, sustainable building materials etc. Most Australian homes are not built with our harsh climate in mind (well, bung in an airconditioner and she’ll be right mate) or with an eye to global warming. Developers don’t care, they just want the profit.

• it has always struck me as BIZARRE that this Government does not seem to support the renewable energy industry. The previous Government gave rebates to householders who installed solar power or photovoltaics – we did both and now sell back our unused electricity to the grid. Germany apparently leads the world in renewable energy, yet here we are, a large continent full of sunshine and funding for research into renewable energies has contracted.

• throw squillions of dollars at public schools (and not just for assembly halls) – after all, it’s the kids of the future who will have the skills to seize opportunities, create industries and jobs. At the moment, we are saddling them with enormous future debt.

• set an executive salary cap – not just for companies that are bailed out.

• get tough on banks. Don’t allow banks to get away with not passing on a cut in interest rates and don’t allow them to lend money they simply don’t have.

• get smart about copper – I’ve said before on this blog that copper will be the resource of the future. There’s a black market in copper. It gets stolen from construction sites, off railroad tracks, from household plumbing systems. China is particularly thirsty for copper. Why? The main reason I think is that copper is used in hybrid cars and hybrid cars are the future. The increasing price of fuel and the dramatic impact of fossil fuels on our planet will drive the uptake of hybrids.  In 2008, Rudd said that the Government would get behind hybrid car research and development  – is this happening or was the intention cast aside by the GFC?  Australia is a leading producer of copper with many copper mines, such as the Mt Isa copper mine in Queensland. Chinese companies are busy snapping up mining and energy assets around the world, including copper mines. You only have to peruse Chinalco’s (Chinese resource company and aka Aluminium Corp of China) website to see they already own 100% of Peru’s copper industry. And we know they are salivating at the thought of investing in Rio Tinto who own 30% of the Escondida copper mine in Chile and have agreed to sell 49.5% of that 30% stake to Chinalco. This is a controversial deal that would see Rio Tinto get US$19.5 billion and help repay its huge $US38.7 billion debts from the acquisition of Canadian aluminium giant, Alcan, in 2007. Personally, I’d like to see the Australian Government stop a major source of this country’s wealth from going overseas. Chinalco is not a private corporate; it is a Chinese government-owned company – so any future disputes, say over how a mine is operating, are at a level beyond a corporate cat fight and could affect diplomatic relations between Australia and China. We need to think long and hard about our resources, particularly copper in light of what I’ve suggested, before we open up to foreign investment. Chinese foreign investment is not necessarily the smartest way to ride out the GFC. How does flogging off a mining company or two help unemployment? And another thing: wouldn’t details of Rio Tinto’s pricing structure and negotiations pass into the hands of the Chinese Government and put BHP Billiton into an unfair negotiating position??

These are just some of my questions and thoughts. The issue to me is where to best put Government spending and so far, I don’t think we’re getting much bang for the buck by throwing bonuses at households and praying they will take that money and party at the local shopping mall.  What do you think?

UPDATE: June 5 2009: Rio Tinto spurns Chinalco bid due to shareholder protests and will joint with BHP Billiton in an iron ore joint venture.