Coming to Australia?

I have a large number of American readers and maybe some of you are thinking about visiting the land Down Under. So I thought I would offer you some travel and cultural tips. Firstly, you will need this map of Australia:

I’d advise you to stay well clear of the areas in Australia marked Giant Spiders and Man Eating Koalas. It might also be worth your while to avoid the area of Sharks with Frickin’ Lasers, unless you want to be a shark’s dinner.

Next, I think you should prepare yourself for the gourmet delicacy known as Vegemite, which was created in 1923 by Dr Cyril P Callister of the Fred Walker Cheese Company. It’s made from brewer’s yeast and you’d better start off slowly, spread it thinly on toast. Many people fear or dislike Vegemite. One of my step-kids, when he was very young, muttered ” quell horror!” when he first opened the black, yellow and red jar and took a sniff (well, he is after all French). Open the jar slowly as the fumes from the vegemite could knock you over, that’s true. Once you have it in your mouth, be very, very careful not to spit it out in sight of any Australians. Remember that Vegemite is a national icon and you will be surrounded by angry bogans should you look as though you don’t like the black paste.

Which leads to my next piece of advice. Learn how to spot bogans. Here are some photos to help you identify a bogan. Cut them out and bring them with you to the land of Oz.

To give you some further guidance: a bogan (rhymes with slogan)  is usually identified by the flanno (shirts made from flannelette) usually worn with stubbies (shorts) and a singlet; the mullet hair-style; trucker caps; ugg boots or thongs.  Usually a bogan goes by the name of Shazza, Bazza, Dazza and possibly Charlene. A bogan would also suggest to you that the song Khe Sanh by Cold Chisel is the best song ever written and may have named their kid Barnsey.  Try to think of a bogan as a redneck and you get the idea.

Now using the map above, should you venture into the Man Eating Koala area remember that these creatures are the silent menace of our continent. Your President Bush was looking in the wrong area of the world for weapons of mass destruction because we have them:

Just look at those claws! They may look like harmless, fluffy, cuddly teddy bears but beware the razor-sharp teeth – DO NOT say “oh, how cute” and stick your finger in a koala’s mouth.

And if you spot a koala in this position:

just know that this is the most dangerous of all positions. That fluffy bear looks cute, let’s face it, but note the weapons of mass destruction – poised and ready for the attack!

Also, bear in mind that whilst we speak English here, we don’t speak American, we speak Strine. You might wish to memorise the most popular Strine words as shown below.

Should you not understand what we’re saying or get attacked my man-eating koalas, then we have a selection of good looking Aussie blokes who will come to your rescue. Here’s two of them:

This is Curtis Stone, an Aussie chef, so he might be too busy sautéing or flambeing, but it’s worth a shot giving him a rescue call.

You should know who this is – Aussie hunk, Hugh Jackman, whose Wolverine claws I think would give a koala’s weapons of mass destruction a run for their money. Mind you, I think of our Hugh as a weapon of mass seduction but that’s another post.

If all else fails, then give me a call and I’ll help you out. Welcome to Australia!

Sources: map Neuroanthrology; bogans; Strine; Koala claws photo

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